Tuesday, April 27, 2010

To how it used to be

In the midst of being sick, I didn't realize it but I was missing it.  I wasn't working, just focusing on me, but that meant I wasn't focusing on my kids.  They were still practically babies at the time.  I was diagnosed on the twins 2nd birthday, and Olivia was 4.  Looking back, cancer took my focus on my kids away.  I feel as though I missed out on a year of their lives.  I wasn't able to focus on them or enjoy them.  Just me.  Just keep me healthy and getting through my challenges day by day.  I often thought through my treatments that I wanted my old life back.  The life where I was able to run around with my kids, to participate with them in play dates and other various activities.  Things I wasn't able to do with them because of the cancer.  I have very minimal energy and felt sick most of the time.  If it wasn't one side effect it was another.  But those nasty drugs and horrible side effects kept me alive and allowed me to enjoy today with them, even if I did miss out on a lot of yesterdays.  
After my cancer treatments and before I started the reconstructive surgery process my sister Toni had purchesed this awesome video software.  For one of her first projects she had found a collection of videos she had of my kids with Jon and I or with her and her husband.  They were all of the spring and summer before my diagnosis.  She sent it to me and I posted it on my blog in September of 2007.
I always felt that it was appropriate that it was set to Used, by Daughtry.  Here is Toni's magnificent creation.  She's so awesome!  Thanks Toner!

I relay because I think all of us as survivors would like to get things back to the way they were before cancer.

Please follow the link on the side bar to donate to my relay for life efforts
 to give a little, to what has taken a lot


  1. Man, I'm sorry, but I am incredibly talented! j/k I miss making fun videos like that. You have some dang cute kids!

  2. Well, I just got off the phone with Eliza-pants and watched the video. Commence the ugly cry, snot and tears streaming down my face. You never realize how much cancer has robbed from you until you look back at the way things were. The grief can be overwhelming. I support Relay because those of us pummeled by cancer need the freedom and hope to create a new normal--one that will, sadly, never be quite as carefree and naive as life before cancer, but hopefully full and vibrant once again.
    Damn you--you keep making me cry. I love you, you crazy-ass, gorgeous fighter. Sorry for the cancer club, but there couldn't be better company in this club.